>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- chris o'donnell. from "pain and gain", ken jeong. and music from phoenix. with cleto and the cletones. and now why wait, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i don't mean to be

rude, but what are you guys doing here? i'm totally enprepared. i wish someone had told me. hi. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of this show. before we get started, was anyone else here tonight named one of "time" magazine's most influential people in the world today? is it just me? this morning at 5:00 a.m., the phone rang. guillermo rolled over and handed me the phone. he said it was someone calling about a magazine subscription. instead it was president obama telling me i had been nominated as one of "time" magazine's most influential people. for someone who gets his clothes picked out for me and my tie

tied for me by another man, it. >> an honor. influential? i don't know. let me show you something. first i need to find someone in the audience. o okay, all right, you with the boston hat. take your hat off. all right? and give it -- put it on the head of the guy right next to you. okay, you see what i did there? i influenced a stranger to give another stranger a hat. that's how i made the top 100. give him his hat back now. i'm joined on the list by my peers beyonce, kate middleton, pope francis. more importantly, i'm honored by the people who did not make it. secretary of state john kerry, bill gates, rupert murdoch, federal reserve chairman ben bernanke, the kardashians.

mike zuckerberg, the dalai lama, vladimir putin, tiger woods and of course, matt damon. i am more influential than all those people. hear that damon? you're 2,000-and-late is what you are. i would like to say congratulations to me. so all of you who share in this, not really. the second and final week of coachella starts tomorrow. all in celebration of white history month. for those of you who aren't flar with coachella, it's a big music festival in the california desert. if you didn't get tickets or if you're too far away, just get high and pass out in a dumpster behind trader joe's. just like being there. some of the bigger bands are phoenix. the band that's here with us

tonight. great band. red hot chilly peppers, the wu tang clan, stone roses. you have the dentists, airplane mode, d.j.funion. which is exciting because these are bands i made up. this is called coachella rave dad. someone shot this and posted the video to vine. it might be the most perfect six seconds of the video i've seen so far this year. you can see here, there's a guy who doesn't necessarily look like he belongs. and he's dancing in -- i think i found my spirit animal. when black people watch white people dance, this is what they see. i love that. that needs to be more than a one time -- that needs to be a thing. the next harlem shake.

guillermo, can you try to do that? give me the little try. see if you can do it. [ applause ] >> jimmy: great thing about it is you can't do it wrong. the worse you are at it, the better you are. so do that at home. as you may recall, back in february, ikea, the swedish cardboard store discovered the meatballs they were selling were made of horse meat. now they're trying to figure out what to do with them. 2,000 pounds of horse balls sitting around. and the spokesperson said we're looking for a way to use the meatballs as food. as opposed to using them as christmas decorations? they're considering a plan to relabel the meatballs and sell them at a discounted problem. i didn't think the problem with the horse meatballs is that they're too expensive. they're made of ponies is the problem. but if anyone knows how to sell

a substandard product at a discounted price, it's ikea. you might be there for 12 hours or so. pack a lunch, make a picnic out of it. this is an interesting sports moment at giants-brewers game last night. the giants pitcher were sitting next to each other in the bullpen. just kind of hanging out. and see if you can figure out just by reading their body language what happened there. one of them is upset. i'm not sure why. he's not showing team spirit? athletes, they're justice like us. you'll never believe this, but an american elected official said something offensive. a state representative from oklahoma, a gentleman named dennis johnson, there was a bill up for debate in the oklahoma house of representatives. they were discussing some kind of small business issue. i don't know what it was specifically, but i do know that mr. johnson said this --

>> what you do, you find out what you do better than somebody else and that's what you market. that's what you advertise. that's what you do as a small business and then you get the reward of success. people come back to you. they like what you do. they like the service they get and they don't ask me, they might try to jew me down on a price. that's fine. that's the free market as well. there's a lot of things i can buy on sale that the big box stores can't. >> sir? did i? all right. i apologize to the jews. >> jimmy: his mel gibson moment, i guess. disney announced starting 2015 they're going to put out a new star wars movie every summer for the foreseeable future.

star wars episode 7 followed by 8, followed by darth maul, mall cop. and how admiral ackbar got his groove book. and it's a star wars movie, just give us your money. a nonprofit organization called mars 1 is accepting video applications for prospective astronauts. these are people who might want to travel to mars. mars 1 wants s ts to accepteds astronauts to mars in 2023.makif it. the finalists will go through seven years of train, spend months living in a replicated mars colony. unfortunately, it will be a one-way trip. apparently once you go to mars for any length of time, you can't come back to earth because you wouldn't be able to withstand our final gravity. they got their first official video application today.

i know it's only the first one, but i think they found the guy they should put at the top of the list. >> hi. i'm gary bucci. that's my name. and i'm going to mars because i've been there before. and i collect rocks and spicy pictures from outer space. you feel that? stop swinging. this is the planet i was bornze it's just great. it's great being here. i don't let anything get me down because i'm positive. if you're not positive, don't go to mars. because when you find yourself eating part of your calf muscle,

you should not be on mars. once again, this is gary bucci. i'm signing on for mars. and you will see me again. >> jimmy: he will be our generation's john glenn. he might have just given south america whooping cough. we need to take a break. i'm going to take a quick nap. but when we come back, "this week in unnecessary censorship." [ engine revving ] ♪ [ male announcer ] every car we build must make adrenaline pump and pulses quicken. ♪

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>> welcome back. music from phoenix. a man dressed up as batman captured a criminal wanted for check fraud and turned him into the local politician in bradford, england. this is the guy. his bat mobile is a '96 ford taur taurus. over the weekend, that hero was arrested for break into a garage and stealing power tools and his accomplice, the same guy he turned in for check fraud. as our studio audience knows, we have a lot of super heroes and costume characters right outside of our theatre, but we don't know if they have a criminal past. it's time now for another round of our audience game. the pedestrian question. the question is, have you ever been arrested. we're going to see each character introduce him or herself and then we'll try to guess if that person has been

arrested. are you ready? >> yeah! . >> jimmy: don't get crazy. it's not going to be that good. >> what's your name? where are you from? >> i'm from south carolina. >> have you ever been arrested? and if so, what for? >> jimmy: has he been arrested? >> yeah! >> jimmy: yes? all right, all right. sadly saying no. let's find out. >> well, when i was a kid, i was arrested for being out of the house. i was still with my friend drinking beers and the neighbor called police to us. the house was already broken in. we were just having fun. >> jimmy: he got arrested for just chilling. >> joe, let me ask you, have you ever been arrested and what for?

>> jimmy: what is going on there? like he's got some sort ofs costume disease. ? >> yeah. >> jimmy: mostly yeses, a few noes. >> yep. i've been arrested for mistaken identity. >> who did you think you are? >> they thought i was some jerk who shot two people and robbed a bank in ft. worth, texas. i said hey, i'm 15. i don't have a gun license. how can i shoot two people and rob a bank? come on now, you do better than that. >> did it make you angry? >> oh, yeah, real angry. >> jimmy: let's see our next character. >> what 's your name and where are you from? >> ross from hollywood. >> have you ever been arrested and if so, what for? >> jimmy: has wolverine?

no? some nos? mostly yeses. >> no, not recently. yeah, i guess a while back. got a dui. wolverine likes to drink. what can i say. i was 20 at the time. 15 years or so ago. trying to stay clean and sober. >> how's that working out? >> it's not. >> well, he's a wolverine, what can you say. one more. >> hello, young man. what's your name and where are you from? >> christopher mitchell from erie, p.a. >> have you ever been arrested and if so, what for? >> yeah! >> jimmy: really? all of them? >> yes, i have. i was photographed and released. the first time allegedly i

choked an asian woman around the neck. made her give me a photo, checked her until she gave me $5, took it from her and danced around in a circle before i put it away. and at usc i was booked for -- they said it was illegal to take photos for money because we don't pay our taxes. >> you really are on the dark side? >> yes, i'm dark. way down deep inside. >> well, he's a villain. they're all criminals. we're surrounded by criminals. and you stand there and do nothing about it. >> it's okay. >> jimmy: one more thing, it's thursday night. time to our weekly tribute to the fcc where we bleep and blur things. it's "this week in unnecessary censorship." >> police are looking for a man

who's been peeping on women at a dorm in the university of oregon campus. they say he secretly watched one woman take a [ bleep ]. >> i feel asleep [ bleep ] out of my mouth. >> big, fast [ bleep ]. >> the president sut his [ bleep ] out and i can tell you he's getting [ bleep ] on the left by it. >> i'm going to watch folks [ bleep ] their docks if i can get legislation passed. >> what's up, hon? >> bambi and t.j. just left and i think they heard them say they were going to [ bleep ] a giant robot. but they might have said eat a giant [ bleep ]. >> the trial has begun for a woman accused of [ bleep ] his husband. >> the defendant asked him to replace the celinoid and not [ bleep ]. >> my daughter got to [ bleep ] a giraffe. she put the [ bleep ] in our

mouth. >> jimmy: ken jeong is here. we have music from phoenix. we'll be right back with chris o'donnell. ♪ okay, let's review. "perpetual baby fat" deal, "don't pick me for the skins team" meal, and, gonna sell a ton of these... the badonkadonk butt? it's back? and bigger than ever! [ male announcer ] with greasy fast food, what are you really getting? instead, try the tempting subway smokehouse barbecue chicken or a chicken teriyaki with spinach, 6 grams of fat or less. both part of a subway fresh fit meal. i can't see my toes... ♪ the meal deal? oh! the meal deal? lets you talk face-to-face and share whatever's on your screen. blackberry z10 with bbm video. built to keep you moving.

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. >> jimmy: you can see him in the new movie "pain and gang." ken jeong is with us. a a great band, maybe the best concert i've seen all last year, phoenix is with us. next week, dennis quaid will be here, as will topher grace, kaley cuoco, goran visnjic, the mythbusters -- adam and jamie, from "rectify" -- abigail spencer, and music from portugal the man, olly murs, and depeche mode. if you're in the michigan area and you're having trouble with your vehicle, do not call aaa. there's a man here to help you. we've got a lively add ye lly a

tonight. our first guest tonight stars on one of the most popular shows on tv with the letters nci and/or s in the title. you can see him beating crime unconscious alongside ll cool j on "ncis: los angeles," tuesday nights on cbs. please say hello to chris o'donnell. [ applause ] >> jimmy: good to see you. you have five children with one woman. that would make you a terrible nba player. how long have you been married? >> it will be 16 years tomorrow. >> jimmy: 15, is that -- >> 16, is'm off the hook.

15, i was on the hook for hardware. i think 16, 17, 18, you can kind of float by for a few years. until we get to 20. >> jimmy: the women are heckling you in the audience. but are you going to do anything at all for 16? >> go out to dinner. you know what, i should probably send some flower, which i'm going to have to do tomorrow morning. >> jimmy: make a reservation? >> i actually got a reservation believe it or not. >> jimmy: oh, you did snf th? that's good. at a restaurant? or did you buy a piece of indian land in india arizona? >> actually new mexico. >> jimmy: did a lot of people come to your wedding? >> i only invited two celebs, sandra bullock and george clooney. and george was working. sandy came. a couple of directors i worked with. but it was actually kind of fun

to have sandra there because it was -- you know, the classic situation, like any wedding as the party gets going and the cocktail gets flowing. all of these guys, you know, that suddenly think they have a shot at sandra. which is just not really going to happen. they were all kind of -- she was a really good sport and dancing with people. dancing with my dad and stuff like that. >> jimmy: was your dad one of the guys? >> no. >> jimmy: he was a big fan. he was a big fan. but you could see just a crowd of guys kind of circling behind her ready to cut in. and maybe this was their night. you know, i'm sure she's going to pick me out of the crowd. >> jimmy: turned out not to be the case. >> it didn't happen. >> jimmy: you're not wearing a wedding ring. why is that? >> i had one. and i lost it on the honeymoon. >> jimmy: oh, that's bad. >> but then i found it. >> jimmy: how did you lose it on the honeymoon?

>> i was playing with it at a restaurant. it fell down in the water. but i was never a huge fan of wearing a wedding ring in the first place. my dad never wore one. i'm not a big blaing guy. i have the gold chains and stuff. >> jimmy: well, sure. everybody has to have that. but i was doing a play on broadway and the character wasn't married and i kept ferging to take it off. i gave it to my wife at the beginning of the show and said just hold this in your jewelry case. just a couple of months later when we finished it, it was gone. >> jimmy: oh, that's good. she lost it. >> she lost it. if it had been her ring i probably would have been hyper ventilating. but i was okay with that. >> ray: if y >> jimmy: if you're going to lose a wedding ring, it should be your wife's fault. >> i've gone to therapy for this. it's tearing me up inside. and i'm kind of hoping tomorrow night is the big night.

caroline, you know what i'm looking for. >> jimmy: you're a white sox fan, right? >> i root for both. it was funny, i grew up north of chicago, which is cubs territory. but my dad worked at a radio station that carried all the white sox games. so as a kid, i got to go down and we got to go in the skybox and meet harry caray and everyone. >> jimmy: tell people a little bit about bill veck. >> he was the greatest owner in the history of football. he bought great traditions, he had showers in the outfield. he had a wooden leg. and as a kid, i remember going up to the skybox and my dad saying this is bill veck. he would say come here, kid, see

my leg, knock on it. i'm about 7 years old. and here's big veck with a wooden leg. i'm knocking on his leg. >> jimmy: that's good luck. >> you know what, but i always have great memories of the white sox. i had them all over my wall as a kid. huge fan. >> jimmy: would you be able to take your friends to the game for free? >> for my 8th birthday i got to be the honorary bat boy. >> jimmy: oh, bat boy, okay. >> for my 8th birthday, i got to be an honorary bat boy. the real bat boy is a high school kid that actually gets to be out on the field. >> jimmy: he's work, yeah. >> i'm just kind of sitting there like i can't fit in the uniform. i'm this tiny little kid. i got to run out there a few times and see the players. we lost 13 to 1 to the yankees. we got crush pd but i got a high

five which was pretty cool. but the worst part of it was, i brought -- six of my friends got to come to the game. as parting gifts my mom gave everybody white socks for the white sox. i'm going you can't give those to my friends. and she goes no, they're the real thing. your father got them and they're the real ones the players wear. i put op a pair. and i swear to go, it was like stockings. a couple of black stripes. i said this is the most asinine thing you could ever give out on a party. >> jimmy: was your mom a bad gift gifter in general. >> you had to be careful. my sister a year older than me went to a birthday party. it was her good friend down the street. my mom got her the gift and wrapped it. the friend opens the present and it was underwear.

she says how could you do that? >> jimmy: that is a very, very bad gift. but you're from a big family. as an adult, great gift. as a kid, not a good one. chris o'donnell is with us. we're going to take a break. be right back. [ poof! ]

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. >> we're talking about cis los angeles. now there's another cis coming out. >> well, we don't know for sure. we hope it does. it's the same process that we -- the original ncis show, we did two episodes and ncis: los angeles was launched out of that. >> jimmy: and the original cast hated the idea that there would >> no, no, they were supportive. >> jimmy: you're turning ncis red right now. >> but it all worked out. it's a great thing. we're lucky to have the jobs that we do. this cast is terrific. we'll find out probably next

month when they announce the schedule if they're going to be there. >> jimmy: your mom was on the show? >> that's probably we got the ratings boost. twitter world has exploded over the whole thing. >> how did that come to be. was it a gift of socks to the producers? underwear that was presented? >> i had a pizza night at my house. and the cast was there. and the my mom happened to be in town and a couple of other. mos. hen he must have promised them that night, i'll find a spot for you. i never heard this. so the next year i'm driving down the pch and i get a call from the show runner saying hey, listen, we want your mom to be on the show. i'm looking, is it april fools? you've got to be kidding me. >> jimmy: your mom is not an actor? >> no. it was literally the greatest call of her life. this has been her claim to fame that her son is, you know, in the business. so for her to get on tv was a

big deal. she had one little line. >> jimmy: did he give her the full star treatment. i said look, mom, they're going to give you a five banger, just come hang out in my trailer. >> jimmy: what is a five banger? >> a room the size of the the chair. and it incorporates a toilet. >> jimmy: you said they're giving my mom a five banger. >> i said come in my trail per .they said no, we have your mom's trailer over here. production had gotten four of the biggest trailers i have ever seen. >> jimmy: four trailers? >> no, no, each mom. >> jimmy: ll cool j's mom can knock people out. she's dangerous. they really rolled out the red carpet for them. >> jimmy: congratulations on the continued success of the show.

chris o'donnell, everybody. we'll be right back. with ken jeong. >> hey, jimmy kimmel here. what happened to the band? >> relax, jimbo. i'm the new band. i have everything you need right here. >> jimmy: i don't understand. you're a terrible singer and you don't play any instruments. >> that's why i got the play board. it tapes all the music on earth. >> jimmy: if you're the new band, who is going to do your job? >> him. he can do what i can do. >> jimmy: he can? >> i can do everything that he can do. you so funny, mr. jimmy kimmel. you're the funniest guy in the world. >> jimmy: thank you very much. >> you are handsome, too.

and very smart and everybody loves you. >> jimmy: i think i like this new gulliermo better than you. >> i'm a lot skinnier, too. he's too fat. >> shut up, you're fat, too. look how fat he is. >> look how fat he is. >> jimmy: he is fat. who's that?

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>> jimmy: tonight on the program -- you know him "community" and the "hangover" movies. starting april 26th you can see him alongside mark wahlberg and dwayne johnson in the new movie "pain and gain," ken jeong is here. >> everyone is either a doer or

a don'ter. don't be a don'ter. do be a doer. what are you, big boy? >> i'm a doer. >> say it like you mean it! >> please welcome ken jeong. >> i'm trying to imagine you as an actual doctor. >> i know, i know. >> i was a doctor that would do mr. chow man. the doctor was naked all the time. i thought the patients were supposed to be the naked ones. >> i know, i know. >> i found something interesting out today. our band leader e-mailed me to inform me that our base player

was one of your patients. >> yeah, i was talking to him, i was talking to him. >> jimmy: are you still a licensed doctor? >> you know, actually i am. i ponied up the $500 you need to pay the medical board every two years. >> jimmy: you can do that whenever you need to. >> we do have to watch several hours of continuing medical education. so go to lectures or, you know, buy medical software to see. season four "scrubs" was amazing. i can't mention names at all. >> you could do this if you wanted to?

correct? >> if you're in the back of my camry, i have some stuff. >> jimmy: you play a motivational speakner this new movie. which i hear is great. i haven't seen it yet, but everyone is raving about this movie. >> who inspires mark wahlberg's character to do very bad things and mayhem ensued. it was great. i went on youtube, did a -- watched a lot of different motivational speakers. you have to say catch phrases with authenticity. i was so into it, so method as a motivational speaker. i was motivating everybody, mark and dwayne. we work out together. i know it sounds weird. but i motivated them to work out and inspired them to get in shape. i know what you're thinking, but you would be surprised out of shape actors can get between movies. brando and other things like

that. i think we have a photo of them doing the movie. what they look like naturally. >> jimmy: huge. >> and this is a photo one month before i motivated them to get into the shape. >> jimmy: my goodness. black and white and everything. remarkable. you've done amazing things. this is the poster for the movie. and i know you can't ruin the hangover. but what's gong on there. is that vegas? >> that is vegas paris. it's going to be the last hangover, the epic finale. it's going to be a lot more vegas. >> jimmy: did you parachute for real? >> i did some death defying stunts. it's the most stunt works i've ever done ever in my life. >> jimmy: what did you do? >> well, i did sochute work,

harneha harneha harness work. i worked with the stunt coordinator with the "mission impossible" movies. i did one specific stunt in the movie that i was petrified of doing and jack was so amazing. she said you know what, only three people in the business have even attempted this. tom cruise, jason statham and queen latifah. >> jimmy: and now you. last time you were here, you were talking about your dad. >> before, like, especially -- my dad is just so happy and overwhelmed that i'm even working as an actor. he's like my biggest fan. and it's so funny, four years later, he's so jaded. so critical. it's like i'm getting b's in math again.

he's criticizing my career kmoips he's like a showbiz tiger dad, you know? he's so sarcastic. oh, ken, you bring great honor to jeong family with your certain and nuanced acting. oh, very good. in last movie you played a crazy guy, and in your next movie you play a crazy guy with glasses. oh! >> it's great to see you and congratulations on your success. >> jimmy: comes out april 26. we'll be back with phoenix. an) g

to give a breast cancer survivor a lifetime-- that's definitely a fair trade. it was such a beautiful experience. (jessica lee) ♪ and it's beautiful (woman) why walk 60 miles in the boldest breast cancer event in history? because your efforts help komen serve millions of women and men facing breast cancer every year.

visit the3day.org to register or to request more information today. it was 3 days of pure joy. ♪ and it's beautiful >> jimmy: their new album comes out next week. here with their song "entertainment" phoenix!

♪ ♪ headline from this day on ♪ ♪ why you keep pretending that you want to plet go ♪ ♪ do do you want to let go ♪ loud volume turn to low, low, low, low, low, low ♪ what you want and what you do to me ♪

♪ i'll take the trouble that you have in mind ♪ ♪ entertainment show them what you do with me ♪ ♪ when everyone here knows better ♪ ♪ what i once refused to be is everything they long together ♪ ♪ i'd rather be alone ♪ i love, i love, i love ♪ i notice

♪ i heard it all before i died before i knew you ♪ ♪ once upon a time would take too long, long, long, long, long ♪ what you want and what you do to me ♪ ♪ i'll take the trouble that you have in mind ♪ ♪ entertainment show them what you do with me ♪ ♪ when everyone here knows better what i once refused to be ♪ ♪ is everything they long together ♪ ♪ i'd rather